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The Worst Place I’ve Ever Been: Kuta, Bali

April 10, 2012

The following is a guest post from Will Peach, a fellow travel blogger, and as you will read, one of the funniest writers you will ever read in the sphere of travel writing.  From Will: Will Peach is the guy behind the overland travel blog DontFlyGo.com. He likes to complain about stuff a lot. He blames this on his British nature.

As a travel blogger, writing about the worst place you’ve ever been is not something you’re asked to do a lot. More often than not, to get paid and to keep moving onward, you have to be nice about the destinations you encounter. Even when they’re less than ideal.

So readers of The World or Bust, I gather you’ve come here to get your fill of positive travel babble right? Well screw that. What I’m about to do is going to bring a whole new meaning to the word “positive”. Ready to watch me tear a hole in what I consider to be the worst place I’ve ever been? Roll on up.

Here are four reasons why I’ll never – well, unless I’m accompanied by the devilishly handsome young chap that runs this travel blog of course – ever, go back to Kuta, Bali.

The Assault Course Like Beach

Most people (read: twats) come to Kuta to hit up the surf, get their sex organs some game and get intoxicated to the point of taking on the appearance of a wild, rabid, banshee. If you’re not into that shit, don’t go.

This was my first impression of Kuta. Having crossed over the stunning plains of Java and loved every minute of my Indonesian adventure, I quite fancied some time chilling out by the beach and bronzing up my pallid carcass before a return to the inevitably cold and lonely British winter. If only I’d done my research.

The beach at Kuta, albeit fawned over by the world travel press as “a great destination in Bali to learn surfing”, is in fact the biggest, filthiest, container of human waste I’ve ever clapped eyes on.

Full of macho Aussie-teens and their squeaky-voiced, cock-sucking brethren of loose girls, chilling on the beach in Kuta is more a grueling test of endurance as opposed to anything near relaxing. Couple that with the incessant harassment from the local Balinese over buying shark-tooth necklaces and other useless crap and you really will want to wade out into the sea and choke on a wave of piss-infected water.

The Nasty Nightlife

nightlife in Kuta

I used to not mind going out to loud bars incessant on playing Kings of Leon’s crusty hit “Sex on Fire” every now and again. That was until I went to Kuta.

If you dig watching leathery-tanned teens projectile vomit all over the floors and the shoes of patrons in a club, then by all means head out. The same goes for watching cheap little whores flash their less-than-impressive-wares at Muslim locals. Yes, the nightlife in Kuta definitely leaves a lot to be desired.

Maybe I’m just bitter because I was about two years older than everybody else. Or it could be the fact I’m as ugly as sin and couldn’t get any. I don’t know. But what I do know is that partying in Kuta is all about the breezers, broken virginity and borrowed time. If you like your bedroom partners young, loud and annoying, join the all day party.

The Worlds Worst Hostels

If ever there was an award for the smallest concentrated area of horrendous hostels and accommodation options, Kuta would storm it by record-breaking margins.

So bad that I had to change hostel rooms every single night of my 3-day stay (3 days? What was I thinking…), I eventually gave up on ever considering that Kuta actually had a place to stay that had four-complete walls and a bed that didn’t snap in half the moment you lay on it.

What makes matters worse is that the workers at Kuta hostels are probably the most apathetic people on earth (can’t really blame them). Ask them for anything and they’ll look at you as if you just unzipped your trousers, pulled your flaccid member out and started jacking it Jason Russell-style. Don’t make that mistake.

The Lack of Escape

Perhaps the worst thing about Kuta is that, unlike other horrible destinations, there’s simply no escape.

It’s not like you can take a 5-minute ride out of town and gather your strength in a quiet park or museum – and no, Seminyak doesn’t count – it still smells of excrement.

Get in to Kuta and the only way you’ll get out with your mind and body untouched is to leave soon afterward. Never have I been to a place with such a glaring lack of things to do other than get absolutely smashed in the brave attempt to forget that you’re there. It’s an onslaught.

Of course, my opinions are entirely subjective. Just because I hated Kuta doesn’t mean you will. But if you do really love it, then I can probably guarantee that you and I would likely never get on. Whether this remains a good or a bad thing, on your behalf, remains to be seen. We’ll have to turn the arbitration over to Jeremy.

Rant over.

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{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }

Just One Boomer April 10, 2012 at 9:48 am

But tell us what you really think.
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Sam April 10, 2012 at 10:38 am

Sometimes you just gotta let it out. Flex a little negative creativity and really let a place have it.
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Jeremy April 10, 2012 at 12:27 pm

haha for sure, I’m sick of reading overly positive reviews of everywhere too!
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Sam April 11, 2012 at 9:45 am

This post ‘inspired’ my most recent post – how to get the most from a travel destination. Love to hear your comments.
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Mica April 12, 2012 at 11:10 am

Kuta definitely sucks ass big time. It’s almost ruining Seminyak too. Damn it!
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Becky April 12, 2012 at 12:37 pm

In all the places I have traveled, including sleeping on the floor in a bus station in West Africa, Kuta is the WORST place I have ever been or slept. I stayed in a “nicer” hotel that was infested with bedbugs. And I was there with my poor 4yo daughter. So bad we got up in the middle of the night, in the pouring rain and moved to a different hotel. Needless to say we got on the first bus out the next morning. (I was only there trying to resolve visa issues, I knew it would suck, just not the worst ever).
So yeah. I full on agree with every word of this post.
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Lissie April 14, 2012 at 8:41 pm

LOL I hit Kuta and the old age of 28 – back in (hmmmm) 1990 – and pretty much had the same reaction! I’d spent a month in Sumatra so knew a bit of Indonesian and the local prices – so the first thing that happened was a stand up argument with the local charging 10X the price of the bemo from the airport! Then after months of travelling solo and never having any hassle from the locals as a solo blond woman, I got seriously harassed by drunk Australians in a bar! I got a boat asap and headed to the Gilis – but I guess they’ve been ruined too now?
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Ava Apollo May 2, 2012 at 3:32 pm

This sh*t’s hilarious. I’d rather have your real opinion and save myself the trouble. Though in this case, I’ve been there, and I agree with you.

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Nate @yomadic May 7, 2012 at 3:10 am

I’m not a fan of Kuta, either. But, there actually are some incredible locations in Bali, not far away. Research has it’s benefits.
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Dasza Traveler October 28, 2012 at 2:25 pm

Yeah, I know exately what you mean. It’s the same in Chaweng beach on Koh Samui in Thailand or Mui Ne in Vietnam. It is so sad how tourism can spoil places. We rented a motorbike to check out (almost all-no kidding) hotels and hostels before we found something decent. On Koh Samui we actually decided to stick with the motorbike rather than the ‘popular’ beach after we had found a nice place far far away from the party places. I do think that age has a bit to do with it (although I hate to admit that).
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Two Wise Men January 8, 2013 at 3:58 am

Mate.I gotta agree.Bali,particulaty Kuta is a sewer nowdays.
Likewise,Boracay Phillipines,and too many more ex paradises to mention.
Bombs, pissed off Muslims, crooked cops, who needs it now!!
If I can take you back to the 60,s when Bali was cool,and Kuta was a small beachside village,with a few Losmens to stay at,and a couple of cafes, one being Jenniks,where the nights entertainment was throwing a few food scraps under the table and enjoying the “skin rot” dogs fighting. There was no electricity in Kuta,and the big chill was a smoke on the beach at sunset,and a local lad climed a coconut tree and you bought a fresh coconut to drink.Grass was no big deal then, and as most Aussies were too scared to take it back to Australia,it was there for all by the wheel barrow load compliments of departing travellers.
Big night out was a primitave Bemo ride to Denpassar,and enjoying frogs legs at the 3 sisters cafe.
I sure miss the earlier world!!!!

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Jeremy January 8, 2013 at 8:12 am

Haha wow, Kuta sounded like the ultimate purist backpacker’s dream. It’s hard to find spots like that these days!

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The Don May 10, 2013 at 11:09 am

Just got back from Bali. Before I headed off to Kuta (which in Hindi actually means “Dog”) I was talking to two Russian girls I met in Seminyak. Asked them what they thought of Kuta, and they reckon they hated it. Period.

But I thought, oh what the heck. Let me just go there for the hell of it, and form my own opinion rather than taking somebody else’s word for it. So the next day I went there, and I have to say, I fully agree with my two Russian friends. Kuta is a cesspool. Nothing worthy of entertaining domestic correspondence.

But not taking anything away from the rest of Bali, I will definitely go back, although next time, Kuta will not be on my itinerary.

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The Don May 10, 2013 at 11:11 am

Just got back from Bali. Before I headed off to Kuta (which in Hindi actually means “Dog”) I was talking to two Russian girls I met in Seminyak. Asked them what they thought of Kuta, and they reckon they hated it. Period.

But I thought, oh what the heck. Let me just go there for the hell of it, and form my own opinion rather than taking somebody else’s word for it. So the next day I went there, and I have to say, I fully agree with my two Russian friends. Kuta is a cesspool. Nothing worthy of entertaining domestic correspondence.

But not taking anything away from the rest of Bali, I will definitely go back, although next time, Kuta will not be on my itinerary.

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gapyahgapyahgapyah May 14, 2013 at 9:50 am

Typical of an overprivlieged Brit to moan about the chance to visit Bali with his mummy and daddy paying the bills. As for the “muslim” reference; he obviously doesn’t know the first thing about the history and religious background to Bali. Go back to your public school gap yah boy or even better get a job.

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gapyahgapyahgapyah May 14, 2013 at 9:51 am

Typical of an overprivlieged Brit to moan about the chance to visit Bali with his mummy and daddy paying the bills. As for the “muslim” reference; he obviously doesn’t know the first thing about the history and religious background to Bali. Go back to your public school gap yah boy or even better get a job.

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gapyahgapyahgapyah May 14, 2013 at 9:52 am

Typical of an overprivlieged Brit to moan about the chance to visit Bali with his mummy and daddy paying the bills. As for the “muslim” reference; he obviously doesn’t know the first thing about the history and religious background to Bali. Go back to your public school gap yah boy or even better get a job.

Reply

Jeremy May 14, 2013 at 10:59 am

hahahaha ouch…
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Littlewing October 13, 2013 at 11:04 am

I know the feeling….have published two blogs on the hell that is bali – bloody australians and now the russians. No point holding back the place just flat out sucks.

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Bruce December 16, 2013 at 3:49 pm

I think everyone is giving Kuta a bad rap. Certainly it is not the pristine place it was twenty years ago and indeed the beach does need cleaning up on a daily basis. Downtown has its fair share of drunks who at times can be rude and loud, However the rest of the atmosphere is great, excellent restaurants, good bars, great music and dancing and of course many nationalities coming together. The shops throughout Kuta have a lot to offer in merchandise, food and alcohol. If you are not attracted to Kuta there are many other places on the south coast to enjoy and if you want solitude you have the interior and the north.

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