Haa haa made you click! If you’re a Euro, you’re probably peeing your pants you’re so angry, and if you’re Canadian, you’re probably pissed too because I’m referring to “America” as the United States.
I love Europe, but there are certain FAILS that should be addressed. But, don’t worry, before you think I’m just some pompous American prick, the next post will be “Why Europe is Better Than America”, so just take a chill pill and let’s do it!
1. You have to pay to use the bathroom in public places
Why the hell should I have to pay to get rid of something I don’t want like pee or poo? In America (and probably Canada), if you’re in a public place like the mall, train station, etc., you can walk right in, drop a deuce and be just as rich as before you relieved yourself.
In Europe, you have to pay to use the bathroom everywhere, and the worst part is there is usually a creepy old woman who comes in whenever the f she wants. How can I defecate with someone from the opposite sex looming around?
In afterthought, maybe forking over 25 cents isn’t such a bad thing. I’ve been to plenty of public restrooms in America with homeless people basically living in them…
2. You have to pay extra for sauces at fast food restaurants
This one really irks me. Firstly, if you’re lucky enough to get free ketchup at let’s say a little ole’ place no one’s ever heard of like, McDonald’s, (AN AMERICAN ESTABLISHMENT), you’re getting one measly packet. God forbid you’re feeling saucy and want to take your fries up a notch with a little BBQ or honey mustard, you’re digging into your pockets once again my friends.
3. No one uses a clothes dryer
If you travel in Europe and rent an apartment on AirBnB or stay at a friend’s place, you can be sure they WON’T have a clothes dryer. You know what that means, hanging your clothes up like a peasant to let it dry for 2 days, only to be left with wrinkly, starchy clothes.
The very reason Euros say they don’t like dryers (it makes your clothes shrink) is the reason us Americans love them. Gotta get that V-neck tight and those skinnys…Skinny!
Europeans will also say using a dryer is a waste of energy, but their crappy washing machines take two hours to do a tiny load!
Don’t people in Europe ever have a dirty shirt they want to wear that same night? Get with it!
4. “Showers” look like this.
Shitty Option #1:
Shitty Option #2
Sometimes you’re lucky, but more often than not you’re stuck with one of the two options above. The “Death Cabinet” or the “Filth Marinater”.
The Death Cabinet is the European solution to having no space in their apartments. Because their washing machines are always in the bathroom (or the kitchen?), there is very limited extra space for secondary things like, you know, the shower. The Death Cabinet makes it virtually impossible to get yourself completely clean, as you can see, it’s impossible to bend over, #FAIL.
The Filth Marinater is the option that is truly illogical. Great, we get it, everyone loves a good bath here and there, but sometimes you just want to take a shower and avoid swimming in your own sewage. Why the hell can’t you just add the little thing to hold the shower head on the wall?! There is clearly room for it, and with a shower curtain, the bathroom won’t get wet. I love sitting on my knees holding the shower head in one hand and squirming around attempting to lather myself with the other, come on people.
5. Cell phone coverage sucks outside major cities
If you’re traveling around Europe and decide to get a SIM card for your phone, expect it to really only work well in big cities. If you’re on the train, it will drop off almost completely. In America, we got that shit covered and you could be in bumblefuck Arkansas with healthy 4G coverage. As the now defunct Cingular Wireless used to say, “Raising The Bar”, so let’s get with the program Europe and throw up a couple more towers.
I know, I know, who wants to hear someone talk on the train? I sure as hell don’t, but I do like to mess around on my phone while I have nothing else to do, or maybe even make a hot spot so I can get some work done. Who reads anymore anyways?
6. You have to pay more to rent an automatic car
I don’t know about you (especially if you’re an American), but I don’t know how to drive a manual car. Most people I know don’t know how to either. How on earth are you supposed to be able to text and drive if you’ve got to use all of four of your appendages to operate a vehicle?! (don’t text and drive…). I get it, if you’re a car enthusiast and want to “feel the road” then why not learn how to drive a manual, but isn’t the process of technological advancement to make people’s lives easier? The automatic transmission was invented decades ago, why don’t Europeans use it?
Any time I want to rent a car in Europe, I end up having to pay almost double for a shitty Opel Corsa that has the most primitive automatic transmission on earth.
7. Service at restaurants sucks
While I’m a liberal, I’m a moderate one. I have no problem compensating people for doing a better job, or one that I can count on. The reason waiters only make a few dollars an hour in America is because YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO TIP THEM 20%! This ensures they’re on point, doing their job, and it’s in their best interest that you have a memorable experience.
Europeans don’t understand this concept, and while many will bitch or not tip while coming to the US, the truth is, our sales tax is low (6-8%) while places like Germany, you’re looking at almost 20% anyways so it’s essentially the same price regardless.